Once (the day after I edited that particular text) I woke up after having dreamed about the butterfly effect, thinking that if we can not love each other, there will be no chance for world peace. A slight panic came over me. I got up, washed myself with cold water, brewed a strong black coffee and fried bacon with 2 eggs. I did not read the newspaper and turned off the radio while having breakfast before I got on my bicycle to go to school. The trail winding through the heath-lands, hills and forest of my youth. Halfway, some wild boars were standing at the side of the track. They had piglets, but were not worried like they normally are when humans are close and they have to protect their offspring. They more seemed to be wondering why my appearance was colored by confusion and a bit of despair. The air was kind of thin that morning, the light was not Dutch, sooner Norwegian or Finnish, somehow brighter.
Many things have happened since that strange day. For instance, I realized that we all make mistakes and sometimes one does not realize that what one mistakenly perceives as a mistake might actually be rather good and progressive (or I'd prefer to say "healing", since the word "progression" was hijacked by cynical short term thinking neo-liberal capitalists). Of course, this can be perceived the other way around as well.
Hey! It's a process. I don't want to be right. I prefer to learn and evolve.
It was raining as if buckets of water were being poured from the sky. The guy I was working for at that time (a great guy, possessed by ancient Viking spirits, who probably would have been diagnosed with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder when he would have crawled his way out of his mother's womb in current times) called it a day at his chaotic small shipyard, so he jumped down from the 3 meter high landing in a small 1972 polyester speedboat. I had to climb the way down a rusty iron chain while it was rocking on the waves like a calf who's jumping through the fence for the first time in a newly discovered lust for freedom. I never was a good jumper. When I got on board he'd already started the engine, and immediately swung the boat with a quick steering move right onto the wide fjord.
On the water, without any functioning lights, darkness embraced us as if we entered a huge cave. Rain kept pouring down like thrown from buckets and the sea was quite rocky. I was happy that we went home late at night after a long day of grinding and welding and eating dust; after 14 hours of hard and concentrated work the brain starts to think bomb like or seems to be filled with foam. My friend the seaman and shipwright suddenly turned left and shouted: "we have to get this other boat now, because otherwise it will sink with this type of rain". It was a rough ride with a small boat on a big sea. While I was thinking that we would not have the slightest chance in case we would capsize so far from the coast without a life jacket in this cold and weather, my friend shouted loud to be heard over the rainstorm: "I hope there will come no fast taxi boats on this course now. They would ride straight over us since we don't have working board lights!".
After a 45 minutes rocky sea ride we arrived at a small island harbor where we came to save the other boat from sinking by heavy rain. As in a reflex, I jumped from our small vintage speedboat to the other one we came to save. After detaching the boat from the landing, I threw out a few buckets of water and wanted to throw a line to my ship building friend. He was gone already. I only saw a dark hole of an harbor with large waves and beyond that a very big sea. After having thrown out a few more buckets of water, I started the engine of the small polyester speedboat, thinking that we would get back together in his small boat as soon as I'd get out of the harbor and pull this boat home safely. It was almost impossible to get out of the harbor since the wind blew straight on the prow of the small boat. The harbor I tried to leave was surrounded by high rocks that looked more black than the dark night I had to plow through. At a certain point, I desperately gave it full gas and made it out of the harbor while avoiding some sharp rocks just by a few centimeters with more luck than skill. Suddenly, I popped out of the harbor in to a big sea. I could hardly see 'cause my glasses were damp and wet and the rain seemed to beat down even harder than before I got at sea. Sometimes I could see some contour of the shore for a moment, after that I was in the valley between waves, so I could only see mountains of water while trying to check position.
The specialist boat saving captain suddenly was there with his small plastic splinter, circling around me shouting: "What the fuck are you doing! Just follow me!". Fortunately he took his small flashlight and kept it in the air now and then, so sometimes when I got on top of a wave with my small piece of plastic waste, I knew which direction to go. 2 times, I had to throttle down the engine suddenly to avoid me from colliding with his boat. I didn't know much about boating, but for sure we should not crash and get into the water with this type of weather if we wanted to make it home alive. After 20 minutes I sort of managed to keep a steady follow up, although he went faster and faster. It felt like racing with my eyes shut. Then the small point of light suddenly turned sharp to the left. A few seconds later I noticed a large mass right in front of me, darker as the dark sky and the black seawater. I had to turn course fast as I could to avoid crashing on a Norwegian granite shore. The boat just made it and sped away from the danger into a rather narrow passage between rocks. I was operating like a machine. Panic was not welcome. The water in the fjord I entered was a bit calmer and the light I followed became more steady. I got out of survival mood and felt lucky that I had made it this far. Half an hour later we arrived at the home island, the boat going high up and smashing down on the waves. I was soaking wet and couldn't speak due to being exhausted, except for a short "goodnight" after I stepped of the back of his quad when he dropped me off at the farm called Stormyr where I was staying that time. I got in, hugged the dog, fought my soaking wet clothes off and rolled into bed, too tired to eat or drink. Some 5 hours later I woke up by the sound of a quad, coming to pick me up. I brew coffee and gave the reckless shipping berserker a cup too while I ate my breakfast. He was smiling with twinkling eyes and said he sort of forgot yesterday that I didn't have much experience on the water being a forester. I said nothing and visioned the many shades of black I'd seen during the ride at rough sea during rain storm last night. Alone in a boat I didn't know how to operate before, following a very small light.
It's not that I'm afraid to be alone or afraid of the dark. Maybe I've always been a loner or at least self-sustaining or able to live off-grid. Off road. Off the beaten track. Not so much on this straight and seemingly easy track that almost forces one to follow it and to stay in some fixed idea of society through a system which is not constructed organically like an ecosystem at all. Maybe partially based on a false feeling of security and convenience. Paying rent, paying an insurance company that does not actually wants to help when you most need it, paying taxes for that same system that is not a real system, but is merely made of forces that try to keep a jammed system going 'cause they want short term big profit. Making the steady career look like a cultural necessity for social acceptance in smaller or bigger social networks. Results, financial stability, a house, a full agenda, being busy. Loads of information is there though, making me feel not so convenient on this planet: Civil war in Africa. War in Syria. Plastic pollution. Banksters ripping governments. Governments breaking down societal achievements. Corruption. Corporatocracy. International Thiefs or Beasts with no Nation, paying only some 3% taxes in my country of origin while roaming subsidies and getting bought out of trouble by a weak or even corrupted government in case they overplay in their not so sustainable game. Forest conversion. Climate change. Ecosystem damage. The killing of Ken Saro Wiwa. Racism. Power games. Violence. Melt downs. Nuclear waste. Corrupt Olympics. Guantanamo Bay still open. Plenty to worry about while many care about who's gonna be the next superstar or what's the latest fashion. I do care. I care a lot. About the ecosystem, fairness, clean water, peace, true social networks based on real friendship, being there for others when necessary, having good reflexes, helping other human beings when possible, learning by doing, love, trees, plants, insects, all life forms, social justice, fine art and much more.
In the meantime I try, although I always could try harder. I sort of panicked that day after I edited that certain text for that certain international newspaper. It's good, or even better, to keep on going, to not get lost. Get a grip. In the end I stayed on this track, which is a good one. It all makes sense. I survive well without being too much part of a system that is unnatural and programmed to fail, 'cause it goes too much against the ecosystem. It's like going upstream too long 'till you'll get exhausted. Furthermore, it makes me happy to know that I can grow and collect my own food. A basic skill, giving me a feeling of security.
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